I feel so trapped. So very isolated. Trapped in my mind, body, and soul. I need to break free of this. I’m conscious yet I can’t move. I need to just go. To let go of everything. At the end of the day nothing I do right now matters. I wake up, I go to work, I come home and repeat. Bing, bang, boom. I’m sick of it. all the needless hours I spend working for things I don’t want! At a job I don’t need, living a life that feels ever more like a lie to who I am.
I work in a butcher shop, in a grocery store. If there is one thing I can’t stand- it’s needless waste. Every god-damn day we through out hundreds of pounds of food that people in other countries literally -kill them selves over. And I’ve taken part in throwing away this food. I feel like a criminal to humanity. But what can I do? I need to do it or I get fired. But what it’s this job to me anyway? It’s a means to support my life? Not really. It’s a means to support the lives of others. My money goes towards bills. Bills I pay for things that I don’t want. I don’t want a car, or a cell phone. I don’t want to live this life with so much stuff! I want to live with so much less and salvage my sanity.
The only thing keeping me back is myself. This hamster-wheel I can’t seem to just jump off of. I want to! i say how easy it is all the time. How You just have to go! I’m trying to encourage myself but my body won’t answer. There is no response. It’s an interesting form of brainwash. I’ve been taught growing up- to actually believe that I need a job to support a life filled with comforts. But what happens when you reach the age where you question everything? Your teaching, your government, your society, your very own life styles and choices. What then?
It usually goes without saying that you need a job. I even find myself yacking to my friends about how they need a job if they want to support their idealistic lifestyle. I feel so hypocritical! I always feel that my tongue becomes so stained with lies that I can never taste the truth. It’s a hard, sad realization. But for me the only way to do it is to give it up cold turkey.
I need to jump off my hamster-wheel. I need to solidify my morality and use my judgement in everyday life. Not just appease the person spinning the wheel. Perhaps I can inspire a few other hamsters to join me. To get them off that tedious cycle open their eyes to a world where the only limits are the ones you put up yourself.