Just serching for an answer

So many times a day I seem to question my self. Most of it on my life choices. Things I’ve done, and things I’d like to set into motion. The most troubling part of it all is not knowing what the future may hold. I get told a lot how it’s the opposite, and that not knowing is beautiful and can be “so surprising, but in a good way!” If that’s true, why do I allow my self to think in this way? Why don’t I just let go? I’m afraid. It’s plain to see now. I dwell on so many fears that I question my past and try to rectify everything for the future. Sadly it usually has the adverse effect. I end up changing my past and questioning my future.

I’m afraid of a host of different things. From heights, to being alone. To taking off my shirt, or being embarrassed. Maybe the thing I lack is confidence in myself. Or maybe I think to much about it. You see, I feel I’m fighting myself for a reason -unbeknown to me. Could it be anxiety? No, surely not that! I can be confident in myself. In fact, when in a group sometimes I keep to myself because I’m feeling confident, not afraid. It’s strange but I don’t know where to turn for help with this. I’d like to get over what ever problem I’m having but not sure how to even be diagnosed! Perhaps I’m completely normal. Maybe I need a change of scenery? Maybe I need to stop questioning my self? Yeah, like that!

I’m just searching for answers to problem’s -I’m sure I can fix on my own. Weather I’ll be accepting of them or not remains to be seen. God, I’m a walking contradiction. Can someone please slap me back to reality, this isn’t me at all.

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The Peace Corps

Everyone has their own rhyme and reason for wanting to travel. Mine just comes at an interesting crossroad of self realization. You see I’ve always had a fascination with the world around me. It’s people, diverse cultures, communal structures and their history. The other day at work I sat down for my 15 minute break, got out my carrots and snap peas and had bought a small bar of chocolate (my vice). And for one reason or another it all just completely hit me. “We have it so damn easy”! Most problems in The U.S. just stared to seem so superficial to those of other countries. I actually had the luxury to go over to a little store and buy my food. That simply does not happen for millions of people around the world. People are going hungry every day. Sure, you could argue that people do as well in the U.S. but it’s not a majority.

I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. At that moment the old saying everyone’s parents used to tell them, popped into my head, “Finish your food, there are starving kids in Africa who don’t have any!” That has always stuck with me. It’s resonated for sure. I see and understand how wasteful of a country this is, yet we let people die of starvation here: on our own door step.

So as I was about to throw away the rest of my veggies, I stopped turned back around and finished them. I vowed from then on to always finish my meals and eat much smaller portions. Maybe it’s me mentally being a part of some pseudo protest. But I figure if people get by with little to nothing. So can I. It’s all part of my positive out look towards the whole situation. It’s me trying to get out of my comfort zone and mentally prepare myself for potentially, whats next to come.

I have come to realize that every day, something hits me from no-where. Everything I’ve done in my life seems to be so meaningless, for example. Compare anything I’ve truly “accomplished” to what has the potential to be done and it’s just silly! Can you really compare helping out a farm in Thailand to better the people and community of that country to going to work every day? Maybe only in America. Well not this American! The wool over my eyes has been tugged at long enough. Finally I’ve reached for it and pulled it away. The trials and tribulations of American life is so overplayed here. But before anyone says I don’t have the pride of my country, that’s simply just false. The premise on which it was founded. “Just and Liberty for all” should resonate in everyone, everywhere around the world. But my country has become to far gone. The culture, the way society is driven by corporations and business. With the people at the top of the money-chain, pulling all the strings. It infuriates me! Calming down now…

I favor humanity over the country of origin. I favor the human spirit over greed and corporate consumerism. We are all a people of this world, brothers and sisters. I a fellow being, support life. Not just human, but All Life. We have only one planet and we share it. I feel the only way -currently, I feel I can truly make a difference, is to Volunteer Abroad. To help those that need it and only ask for a brother’s or sister’s hand. Nations that need love, and someone to lift some burden off of them.Which is why I decided to join the Peace Corps. They have a 10 Core Expectations list, that directly correlates to who I am. currently I’m in the process of fleshing out 2 essays and then sending in my application. Wish me luck!

Everyday I build confidence in the fact that this can change the lives of so many people. Including my own.

New mentality.

As i’ve read in other blog the negativity from friends and family have arisen. Explaining it to most they see little benefit in it. When I explain i’m going to change my life, I get nothing but backlash. They don’t understand. And already i’m not sure I want to MAKE them. It’s hard to do things. A lot of the other articles i’ve read, the countless stories i’ve heard- they all speak of how difficult it is to convince everyone else of your plans. The best advice they could give is, “Just go”.

I recently was talking to a friend about my ideas -as that is all they are at this point: ideas. He told me “You always have ideas, but you never put your money where your mouth is. What makes this different?” And it got me thinking, “How is it different? Am I just doing what I always do? Say I want to do something and just never accomplish it?”. I have convinced my self of so many things in the past. And I was dead set on them, 110% sure! But they never came to fruition. What makes this different?

The more I think about it the more i seem to realize, I never had a strong support for any of those half-assed, plans of mine. No one has ever truly been so positive in my life that it’s convinced me what I wanted to do was right! So I sat down with my self, pencil and paper- and began to write. Not for this blog but to write out my thoughts, my ideas. I started to actually diss-believe myself. Is a bucket list just a dream? More wishful thinking?

Just when I already, so soon in my fascination with this, wanted to give up I told my self no. I found the motivation I needed all along. My Self. I don’t need other people to tell me I can’t do things. Who are they to determine my life, and the way I so choose to spend my days? And who is anyone to judge anyone else. We are all human, we all have one life. Why is there so much negativity? Animosity? Hostility at times. I don’t know, but for the first time in my life. I feel I can make a difference. I truly and honestly believe that I my self, can change this world. I can honestly do something good for others. I’ll never know why it took me so long to figure it out. I guess I have to thank those that always discouraged me. the non-believers and those who think that just keeping to yourself is the way to live. Not me. I won’t. I refuse to let myself down again. I’m proud of my self!

I take a deep breath. A shiver runs down my spine. I look out the window in front of my room. All I can see is a cloudy sky and cable wires. Some trees in the distance. But one thing stands out. this one bush in front of my window. It’s growing really well. It has come back from all sorts of diseases. That’s not what shocks me the most. The plant has been moved to different locations around the house. and yet it lives. It lives under a tall tree and it’s thriving! I feel like I have some kind of weird connection with this bush. Yes I know, I’m starting to sound completely insane. But If this little shrub can be beaten up, moved all over, be stuck under a huge barrier and still thrive for years. So can I.

Every story starts somewhere…

My tale is no exception. I would first off like to say that this is going to be an “As-it-happens”, story. I assure you, the characters won’t be stale and the plot is always subject to change. It’s intriguing to note that this story starts in my youth. As a man, only in my twenty-second year of life on this planet, time seems to forever be in my favor. Something that many people lack. Not the actually ability to manage time- but actually having it. I perceive time as a segment. Every second now, is already in the past, and therefore can be categorized. Most of the time people see time as nothing more than something they either can’t escape from, or have no means of which to afford more. I’m using my time to leave behind something. To keep my time categorized as so that it’s easy to follow. In this way, time is and has been -in my favor.

I find incredible joy in sharing my journey with anyone wishing to read it. Accept it for what it is. Perhaps even discuss how it makes you feel? I write this at a turning point in my life. From becoming the naive boy, to the the man who sees things for what they are. Who can look past the layers of over dramatized workings, and see how the machine was truly built. There are no foreseeable boundaries to this tale. At least until I run out of time.