Just serching for an answer

So many times a day I seem to question my self. Most of it on my life choices. Things I’ve done, and things I’d like to set into motion. The most troubling part of it all is not knowing what the future may hold. I get told a lot how it’s the opposite, and that not knowing is beautiful and can be “so surprising, but in a good way!” If that’s true, why do I allow my self to think in this way? Why don’t I just let go? I’m afraid. It’s plain to see now. I dwell on so many fears that I question my past and try to rectify everything for the future. Sadly it usually has the adverse effect. I end up changing my past and questioning my future.

I’m afraid of a host of different things. From heights, to being alone. To taking off my shirt, or being embarrassed. Maybe the thing I lack is confidence in myself. Or maybe I think to much about it. You see, I feel I’m fighting myself for a reason -unbeknown to me. Could it be anxiety? No, surely not that! I can be confident in myself. In fact, when in a group sometimes I keep to myself because I’m feeling confident, not afraid. It’s strange but I don’t know where to turn for help with this. I’d like to get over what ever problem I’m having but not sure how to even be diagnosed! Perhaps I’m completely normal. Maybe I need a change of scenery? Maybe I need to stop questioning my self? Yeah, like that!

I’m just searching for answers to problem’s -I’m sure I can fix on my own. Weather I’ll be accepting of them or not remains to be seen. God, I’m a walking contradiction. Can someone please slap me back to reality, this isn’t me at all.