Time changes many things. A person can grow as much in a day as someone could in a year. Time means something different to everyone and everything that inhabits our “seamless” reality. To me it’s a still, microscopic moment. I … Continue reading
I feel so trapped. So very isolated. Trapped in my mind, body, and soul. I need to break free of this. I’m conscious yet I can’t move. I need to just go. To let go of everything. At the end … Continue reading
As i’ve read in other blog the negativity from friends and family have arisen. Explaining it to most they see little benefit in it. When I explain i’m going to change my life, I get nothing but backlash. They don’t understand. And already i’m not sure I want to MAKE them. It’s hard to do things. A lot of the other articles i’ve read, the countless stories i’ve heard- they all speak of how difficult it is to convince everyone else of your plans. The best advice they could give is, “Just go”.
I recently was talking to a friend about my ideas -as that is all they are at this point: ideas. He told me “You always have ideas, but you never put your money where your mouth is. What makes this different?” And it got me thinking, “How is it different? Am I just doing what I always do? Say I want to do something and just never accomplish it?”. I have convinced my self of so many things in the past. And I was dead set on them, 110% sure! But they never came to fruition. What makes this different?
The more I think about it the more i seem to realize, I never had a strong support for any of those half-assed, plans of mine. No one has ever truly been so positive in my life that it’s convinced me what I wanted to do was right! So I sat down with my self, pencil and paper- and began to write. Not for this blog but to write out my thoughts, my ideas. I started to actually diss-believe myself. Is a bucket list just a dream? More wishful thinking?
Just when I already, so soon in my fascination with this, wanted to give up I told my self no. I found the motivation I needed all along. My Self. I don’t need other people to tell me I can’t do things. Who are they to determine my life, and the way I so choose to spend my days? And who is anyone to judge anyone else. We are all human, we all have one life. Why is there so much negativity? Animosity? Hostility at times. I don’t know, but for the first time in my life. I feel I can make a difference. I truly and honestly believe that I my self, can change this world. I can honestly do something good for others. I’ll never know why it took me so long to figure it out. I guess I have to thank those that always discouraged me. the non-believers and those who think that just keeping to yourself is the way to live. Not me. I won’t. I refuse to let myself down again. I’m proud of my self!
I take a deep breath. A shiver runs down my spine. I look out the window in front of my room. All I can see is a cloudy sky and cable wires. Some trees in the distance. But one thing stands out. this one bush in front of my window. It’s growing really well. It has come back from all sorts of diseases. That’s not what shocks me the most. The plant has been moved to different locations around the house. and yet it lives. It lives under a tall tree and it’s thriving! I feel like I have some kind of weird connection with this bush. Yes I know, I’m starting to sound completely insane. But If this little shrub can be beaten up, moved all over, be stuck under a huge barrier and still thrive for years. So can I.